What sign is God?

Objectively and scientifically ranking the likelihood of God as each zodiac sign.

The christian god is a mystery, and we will understand them far better if we can work. out what zodiac sign they were begotten under. I am talking here about the parent, not the whole trinity. Like, specifically Jesus’ parent. The one who kills people hand over fist and insists you worship them, whose idea of a rainbow is “this is how you can remember that I can kill you if I want to but I am choosing not to” as if they were the American president talking to a Muslim country who dared elect the wrong person as president.

So, in order of likelihood from least to definitely:

12: Virgo
Virgos are disgustingly practical, well-prepared and generous to a fault. They believe in working for others at the expense of themselves. And all of these completely rule out God as one of them. God is obviously impulsive, which is anti-Virgo. Instead of i) doing the requisite planning before they made the entire universe in less than a week, or ii) fixing the unexpected deficiencies in their project, they DROWNED THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. What Virgo do you know who thinks two of every animal are going to walk to the Middle East (think of all the kangaroos and penguins and anacondas that had to schlep thousand of miles, walking and swimming like some depressing prequel to The Lion King) and put them on a boat that had precisely one solitary window? And then just after the restart God throws a bitchfit and makes everyone speak different languages. No Virgo pulls this crap. They get it right the first time, and they are helpers rather than mass-murderers.

11: Libra
God themself absolutely cannot be a Libra. Libras cannot abide conflict, and they cannot stop talking. God is the complete opposite of both of these. In the bible and all the years since, God has made perfectly clear that they are a bloodshed junkie. They LOVE killing people. They apparently love it when people kill other people too. God also, surprisingly for an omnipotent being, does not talk to anyone. Ever. If they do it is silent and no one can hear it. If any of you have ever spent time with a Libra, you will know they cannot shut the fuck up. They also don’t do anything - like telling someone to kill their son - impulsively. In fact they can take forever to make a decision. God themself makes many bad decisions quietly and hastily. They ain’t no Libra.

10: Sagittarius
While Sagitarriuses are painful af, they do have one thing going for them: they are very smart, and are almost always right. God is neither of these things, hence the repeated false starts at commencing the universe, and decisions that are objectively poor, like setting bears on children. Sagittariuses are oblivious to the carnage they sometimes cause. God is all in on it. Their love of destruction when they have made a mistake disqualifies them. In fact, had they chatted to an Archer before creating the universe, they may have done a much better job.

9: Scorpio
I am sure many of you thought that such a cruel bastard is surely a Scorpio, but nay. God ain’t no Scorpio. Scorpios prize loyalty above all else, and not just from you. They understand you have to give it too. A Scorpio will be the best friend you ever have, but if you piss on their loyalty, or you don’t return it, they will fucking kill you. While God is happy to fucking kill you, they display fuck all loyalty in their actions. They do it with words, admittedly, but he doesn’t really follow through. That ain’t no Scorpio.

8: Taurus
God is not a Taurus because they change their mind too frequently, and don’t seem to care about family. No Taurus asks someone to kill their own son, nor does a Taurus send their son down to earth to be executed in one of the cruelest ways possible. Especially WHEN GOD CAN JUST CHANGE THE RULES THEMSELF. Now a Taurus also ain’t gonna change the rules, don’t get me wrong. But a Taurus us going to put in a massive amount of thought before making the rules in the first place, and God clearly did none of that.

7: Aries
Before I planned this all out, I thought Aries would be higher on this list. Aries is impulsive, and as we have seen so far, God doesn’t really do forethought. But Aries also gets over stuff pretty quickly and moves on to the next self-indulgent thing. While God is self-indulgent, they get over NOTHING. They get such a stick up their ass they murder people and remember their sins for ever. Aries doesn’t have time for that shit.

6: Aquarius
There are some aspects of Aquarius that lend themselves to godhood. God did have a very original idea (creating humanity) and did something no one else had apparently thought up. But Aquarians care deeply about community, and God kills way too many people for them to be one.

5: Cancer
The reason Cancer wound up so high in terms of likelihood is because God is SO MOTHERFUCKEN SENSITIVE. Cancers are needy and defensive and easily hurt, and God is all three of those things. HOWEVER, Cancer can empathize with basically everyone and if God can do that then they are really even crueler than we thought. Because it means they know what it is like to be crucified, for example, and yet they still sent down their own child to be hammered onto a plank of wood to suffocate to death. Yeah, “why hast thou forsaken me, Papa?”, poor Jesus cried out while showing off the first ever stigmata. A Cancer ain’t gonna forsake their kid.

4: Capricorn
Cap is so high in terms of probability because they like to be in charge. There is no other position in an organizational flowchart where they can comfortably sit for any decently-long period of time. However, Caps are very practical and have an innate drive to achieve and perfect and be successful. God just burns it all down and starts again. Caps don’t fuck with that shit. They don’t fuck it up so bad in the first place.

3: Pisces
There is good reason to believe god themself is a Pisces. They are axiomatically one sensitive motherfucker, and they absolutely check out when they can’t cope. Like how for example in 2,000-odd years neither they nor their son have come down to visit earth. They have taken a multiple-millennia holiday from the chaos they let reign across their creation. War in Gaza? People dying of Covid? The US killing hundreds of thousands of Iraqis? Starving Yeminis (this was a team effort btw)? Nope. God can’t bring himself to deal with the problems. That’s one helluva Pisces trait they have going. However, while Pisces loves to escape that which is so perilously difficult for them, their consciences won’t let them just accept trouble they have caused, or let them sit there if they can provide help. While they aren’t quite Virgos when it comes to service, they are far too emotional and empathetic to just let things rot, and god themself has made it perfectly clear they are an absolute sociopath and are quite happy to watch children burned alive by weapons of war, or die slowly from cancer, or whatever. They are fine with it. Pisces would lose their shit over it, especially if they were all-powerful.

2: Gemini
God themself is able to have multiple points of view at once, and they have recorded a bunch of them in their very own book, which they call the bible. This is a wonderful, if maligned, Gemini trait, and one which comes with negative connotations, which is why everyone wrongly thinks Gemini is the worst sign (it is clearly Sagittarius). From major issues like incest (they are principally against it, but Abraham, one of god’s VIPs, married his sister who gave birth to Isaac… who god themself told Abraham to go murder… go figure)). Also one of their ten major rules (which weirdly don’t include rape or slavery) is “thou shalt not kill”, but tell that to the firstborn sons of Egypt who were murdered en masse because god was mad at Pharoah. They are also all over the place on minor ones like which day his son was crucified (with his blessing; who among us has not wanted to see people hammer nails into our children?). God themself is also quite the charmer, as they have managed to take in like a third of the world to follow him. Granted, Geminis are charmers and god and his followers force their beliefs upon you mostly via threats, colonialism and political power, but nonetheless, they get a lot of people to buy their shit. There is a non-zero chance god themself was begotten between the 21st of May and the 21st of June.

1: Leo
The only reason Gemini doesn’t top the list is because god themself is quite obviously a Leo. There is no one in the universe more Leo than god, and their insecure hubris is like their absolute fucking hallmark. They offer eternal life (without any sort of evidence) so long as you swear fealty to them for your whole life. They want you to think about them and whisper sweet nothings to them before you go to bed. If you worship someone else, for example a golden calf, they punish you by stranding you in the desert for forty years until you all die so you don’t get to see the land they promised you. If you, a child, make fun of one of their prophets, god themself will send bears to maul you. If you don’t want to do the tasks they set you, they will put you into a large fish for a few days. Adam and Eve didn’t stick to their rules so he punished the entirety of humanity for eternity. Literally only a few pages later they WIPED OUT THE ENTIRE WORLD for not doing what they were told to, except for one family, the patriarch of whom enslaved his own grandson. But he worshipped god, so apparently slavery is fine. So long as you give them the requisite attention, Leos are there for you. But when starved of attention they completely fuck out. If embarrassed they will not take it well. They are sensitive, headstrong, and love the spotlight. God themself may not check all the Leo boxes, but they check more of them than any other sign, and of course he has a whole lot more chart which makes his sun sign somewhat malleable. It is dangerous to give a Leo all the power of the universe, because look what they fucking do with it.